Life at Home with our Little Angels

Well for obvious and wonderful reasons I have not had much time to update this blog but no news is good news in this case :) Ava and Aubrey came home after just 3 short weeks in the NICU. They came home at 35 weeks which is amazing and we were so blessed that they didn't have any setbacks! Through that week it was touch and go with whether just one would come home or both, but it was amazing to be able to bring both home together! The day was crazy and we didn't get home until 8:00 that night, but what a joy to be able to place the babies in the arms of their big sisters!!

I must say, in my mind I was prepared for what an extremely difficult thing I thought having twins would be. My oldest daughter was extremely colicky with severe reflux as a baby, and she cried ALL. DAY. LONG. And, all night too. It was very difficult. When my second daughter came along, she seemed much easier, but neither of them would let me lay them in a swing or bouncy seat. They both screamed if they weren't held. When you have a baby with reflux, letting them "cry it out" doesn't work because that results in one of two things. 1) The baby projectile vomiting all over and creating more work, wash, etc... or 2) The baby turns blue and stops breathing she is so worked up and gagging. My husband and I spend 5 months straight bouncing on an exercise ball with Emma to keep her calm and happy. All of this being said, when I tell you that we used to often say, "Having twins would be easier than this", when THAT actually happened I wondered if I would eat my words. But it's true! These babies are so easy and very content. So far at least! The fact that they let us put them down in their swing/bouncy seats for large chunks of time is amazing! Of course I wish I could just snuggle them most of the day, but with 2 older kids to take care of and a house to keep up with, what a huge blessing to have content easy babies! They are, together, indeed our easiest yet!

They love to snuggle together in the same swing and I wonder what will happen when they get too big to fit in there together, hehe :) Yesterday when I got them out of the swing (they contentedly laid in there for 3 hours which allowed me to clean up, make breakfast, pump, get dressed and wash my face etc...) Ava's hair was all sticky and wet and matted down on one whole side of her head and I realized it was because Aubrey had been licking her sister's head! Occasionally something extra super cute happens, like they hold hands!!

Ava is our more content one. She is like her mama in the fact that she loves her sleep. She sleeps much more peacefully and longer than Aubrey. Ava "calls" less in the middle of the night. She also doesn't eat quite as much or as vigorously as Aubrey. That is where Aubrey is like her mama - she LOVES to eat and she does it a lot! Aubrey is the more fussy one, even though she is quite content overall. She has her eyes open much more often, looking all around and taking it in. She "calls" much more in the middle of the night and needs more snuggles from us. In my tummy Aubrey was the one who was always moving and I always said I don't know when she slept. I rarely felt Ava move. So it is funny that now it remains the same - Ava is the sleepyhead and Aubrey is the wakey pants.

Everyone asks how we tell them apart. The answer to that is that we don't!!! We left Ava's hospital bracelet on her ankle, but this week she outgrew it so we painted her big toenail pink to tell who is who. Although they had been home for 2 weeks, last week I noticed that Aubrey has a teeny pink blood vessel showing through her one eyelid and not many people see it but I do and can tell them apart that way now. Try that in the middle of the night though. There is a lot of "who do you have?", "I have the one in dots", "the one in the striped blanket pooped." etc...!!

The babies are the softest, cutest, tiniest little things and I am so thankful for them and for what the journey with them has taught us. Each and every time I hold them and look at them I still cannot believe this happened to me, that my body created this, that God chose us, and that I have twins!!! I am soooooo excited for life with them, and with all my girls! I look forward to watching them grow and see who they look like, whether they will have blonde or brown hair, blue or brown eyes. I look forward to sleeping through the night again too!

At the doctor this week, Ava weighed 5.8 pounds and Aubrey 5.14, so they are up 2 pounds since they were born. Still super tiny, they are getting some chubs on their thighs and they outgrew (by length) their first preemie outfit! Preemie diapers are now actually fitting them and not swallowing them. It is crazy to think that they have been with us for 6 weeks but they still wouldn't be born yet until December 11th!!!

The biggest challenges have of course been the night time, the babies not nursing because they are used to a bottle from the NICU plus my supply being low, and Abigail adjusting to sharing my attention. My husband is so great and takes a few hours at night to let me sleep. My mom comes over almost every day to let me nap and she keeps up with my wash and does odd jobs here and there, and occasionally takes the big girls overnight to get some attention and fun without the babies. I am so blessed to have help. I have been so content and happy and have only had one or two moments where I felt close to tears and frazzled. For 6 weeks with 4 kids under 5 I think that's pretty remarkable! At night when one is content and asleep the other is fussy and awake sometimes and that is really challenging but I know it is only for a season. I also pump since the babies won't nurse, and bottle feeding plus pumping is very time consuming but I refuse to settle for anything less than the absolute best for these babies especially since as preemies their nutritional and immunity needs are greater.

We have had a few other challenges aside from the babies since they have been home, things like the heater in the house going, the transmission in a car going etc..., but when you get through something like we just did and look at the two tiny miracles in front of us, it puts so much in perspective and things that would have seemed so big seem so small. We are so blessed and so thankful!

A Little Stronger Every Day

I cannot believe that three weeks have passed since I had Ava and Aubrey! Time certainly has flown by, but overall through this whole experience it went fast. My babies have done exceptionally well and have exceeded my expectations! I was more worried about NICU complications than anything I had to worry about, and their stay has been picture perfect. I almost want to pinch myself. After a week, they came off of their oxygen and IV's and this week they "graduated" into the annex, a room outside of the NICU that is for babies who are just feeding and growing!  They began taking bottles and Aubrey came off of her feeding tube - that yucky old thing that goes down their little noses into their bellies that they pull out constantly and have to get put back in. Seeing her precious little face with not a single thing on it was so awesome!!! Ava needs to do a better job finishing her bottles and then she will be able to come off of hers too.

Tonight was our first attempt at breastfeeding. I have been pumping milk and taking it to them for their bottles since they were born, but a baby is not capable of suck/breathe/swallow until 34 weeks at the earliest and they had to get some bottles first. With my older girls, breastfeeding was very challenging for me at first so I was kind of nervous about breastfeeding the twins. First up was Ava, and she latched right on like a pro and nursed like a little champ! Next it was Aubrey's turn and she too sucked away like she's done it all her little life. It was such an incredible moment and feeling, to be nourishing my babies and watch them succeed yet again! To look down at them and feel them feeding from me instead of a plastic pump was so rewarding and satisfying!

I have kind of had this weird feeling since I had them that I am still pregnant or something because I am still waiting for them in a way - waiting for them to come home. When I visit them sometimes it feels like they are not mine yet, and in some ways they aren't because I have to leave them. I only get to be with them an hour or two a day and someone tells me what I can and cannot do. I feel like I am still waiting to "have my babies". Nursing them tonight, I felt like they were MINE. I could see them coming home for real. I could imagine those middle of the night cries that only I can quiet. I love that they have their mommy. Everything in the NICU is so sterile and plastic and medical - including the gloved hand that usually feeds them from a plastic bottle. To see them snuggled in my arms, against my skin, nursing felt like heaven to me and I know to them it did too! And the best part is we are just DAYS away from them really being 100% all mine :)

The doctor tonight told me that the twins have soared through and will go home in the next week, with Aubrey potentially going home in just days!! We have to first get training sessions on CPR and the monitors that they will need to go home on. These monitors are attached to cords that stick onto their bellies to alert us if their heart rates or oxygenation go dangerously low. It will be just a bit of an inconvenience, but very welcome in my opinion because I will not worry as much if they are ok. The babies also have to pass the carseat test, where they have to sit for 90 minutes in their carseats without having "events" with their breathing or heartrates. Once Ava takes her bottles better and gets her feeding tube out she can come home too! It was so weird having babies and coming home from the hospital empty handed. To fold their tiny wash and put it away but have them not here. I am SOOOO excited they are coming home! No more never seeing my husband because when he gets home from work I go into NICU. Our whole family will be together for the holidays. That is the only gift I need!

Another exciting thing happened this week with the babies' move into the NICU annex. Unlike the regular NICU, there is a window in the Annex, and Emma and Abigail FINALLY got to see their baby twin sisters! We have all waited for this moment and I didn't think they would get to see their sisters until they came home. I knew Emma was excited but Abigail usually cries out of jealousy when she sees me holding other babies so I wasn't sure how she would respond.  As soon as the curtain opened, just inches and some glass between the four girls, Abby and Emma had immediate giant smiles and twinkling eyes as they stared at their baby sisters. I could lightly hear them through the glass and they were singing twinkle twinkle little star to the babies, Abby repeating after Emma. I heard Emma say, "Aren't you babies just so blessed to have a wonderful big sister like me?". Then later at night Abby said a couple of times, "I saw baby Ava today!". Emma and Abigail are little buddies these days and it just melts my heart! They say the cutest things to each other and I am  really glad they have each other. I like this even number amount of kids thing - everyone has someone :)

Listening to the nurses talk tonight, they were saying how the babies in the Annex are all doing so well and that it is not the case in the regular NICU, there are a lot of babies who are not doing so well. My heart breaks for those mothers and babies, and I feel so very blessed my babies are doing well.

 

Driving home the other night, even though I am always so sad to leave my babies, I felt such a peace that everything in my life is perfectly in place and all is as it should be. My drive is about 35 minutes, and I love where I live. I love watching city turn to country with my country music playing. I love my small town, even if in high school we called it "the potpie curtain". I love that there is only one stoplight in the whole town, that the grocery store is the smallest of any I know around, and that it is surrounded by fields. I love that my kids will go to school where I did and that the man in the hardware store knows me by name. I love that this is where God put us to raise our 4 daughters. At the beginning of all this when we were told these babies were boys, I thought that 2 girls and 2 boys was the perfect family, but now I think these 4 girls are the perfect family. Being home with my big girls has been so fun too. We trick or treated twice and have kept busy with crafts, books, snuggles, and movies. I am so thankful to be out of the hospital for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas!

I sing to the babies when I am in there, usually Twinkle Twinkle, You are My Sunshine, and Jesus Loves Me among others. The first week I could only hum because for some reason when I would sing I would start to cry. Now I can sing, and actually finish a song. When I was singing Jesus Loves Me to them the other day, "they are weak but He is strong" stuck out like a sore thumb among the lyrics of all the songs I was singing. So true. My babies are the tiniest, frailest, weakest and most vulnerable human beings right now. Weaker than they will ever be in their whole lives probably. But their God, my God, your God - He is so strong. Stronger than anything this world can bring. Because He is strong, I was able to be strong throughout my pregnancy and hospital stay. My strength is derived from Him alone and I am so grateful to have had my faith through all of this. He is strong, and my babies are in His care, in His will. My babies are showered with prayer from hundreds of amazing and caring people. They are weak, but He is strong. How amazing. And they get less weak and more strong every day.