Monitors: More Twisted Cords!

Today is a HUGE exciting day at the Petersheim house!!! The babies, who will be 6 months old this week, finally have gotten released from their monitors! Yipee! If you need me, I will be choreographing my happy dance! This means they are for the first time going to be just regular babies with no cords! AND MY LIFE WILL BE SO MUCH LESS COMPLICATED! Can I get an amen?!

These monitors were sent home with them from NICU discharge, and their purpose was to save their lives in the event of apnea or bradycardia spells. Without them, the babies would have had to stay in the NICU much longer. If they stopped breathing, the apnea alarm beeped and if their heartrate went too high or low it also beeped. When I say "beep", what I mean is as-obnoxiously-loud-as-a-smoke-detector and doesn't shut off till you shut it off SIREN that the neighbors 3 houses down could hear! At first this happened more often, and then as they grew it happened less. The first night home on them, it went off about every 5 minutes because we couldn't quite figure out that we had the leads plugged in wrong! Every 5 weeks the neonatologist reviewed the download of monitor activity and every 5 weeks I was so hopeful that they would be done, because no "events" would have shown. But for all these months the girls kept having a couple events - scary, and made me grateful for the monitors! Now, finally, no true events! My girls are regular breathers!

So while I was so so grateful to have these monitors, and I could sleep better knowing if my babies stopped breathing I would be immediately alerted, I will explain why it is such a relief to be done with them. (And why I may or may not have fantasized about taking a bat, piñata style, to these suckers on more than one - er, a billion - occasions)...

As you know, Ava and Aubrey are momo's, who were at such risk of death in utero because of their umbilical cords tangling and knotting. Well, the monitors with their cord twists and tangles created a whole new level of frustration and complication to the already challenging life with newborn twins and two other kiddos. Each monitor is about the size of a DVD player. It plugs into the wall; that's one cord per monitor. Then, there is a cord from the monitor into the leads. That makes 2 cords. Then, there are 2 leads that attach into electrodes that velcrow into a chest strap that goes around each babies' torso. That makes 4 cords per baby, 8 cords total. So whenever you take the babies say, from the bedroom to the living room, or go to the doctor or wherever, you not only carry the babies, but you lug along 2 DVD player size monitors in purses along with the 8 wires that inevitably twist, tangle, knot, and rip out, causing the blaringly loud siren to alert. Try this in the middle of the night during feeds. And if you picture me waking up in the morning and simply carrying two babies out with me, not the case! These monitors probably caused me to use curse words more than ever in my life before! I was like spiderman trying to crawl among the cords trying to quietly untangle them in order to put a baby down without waking them.

Whenever we needed to go anywhere, the monitors had to come along too, and the batteries only lasted about 3 hours. The electrodes being constantly against the babies' skin caused pussing blistered rashes that nothing could be done about because they had to wear these. We couldn't apply any kind of lotion or anything to soothe the rash because nothing at all could be between the skin and the electrode. Every time we held the babies we had to be careful not to move the chest strap or the electrodes would get misplaced and the siren would alert. Bath time was extra special for us, because we got to take off the chest straps and electrodes, their skin got to breathe, and we got to just hold a plain old baby, cord free, strap free. To look at and feel your baby with no barrier between you and them is just soooo yummy! :)

I will admit, quite shamefully, that after the first 3 months or so, we started taking them off of the monitors while they were awake and just leaving the chest strap/electrode/leads on them but not lugging the monitors around...it just became almost impossible. If we didn't have 2 other kids to care for, it would have been simpler to just lug all the monitor stuff to one room, plug it in, and stay put for the day. Not possible with 2 other kids to care for. Awake, we could obviously see if they weren't breathing and they hadn't seemed to have events lately. We would hook them back up at night, during naps, and if we drove somewhere.

I could ramble on and on about how inconvenient and annoying these things were, but in the end, I am thankful for them. I will worry at night now that I don't have the assurance of them. But I am SOOOOOO excited to hold my babies and pat THEIR BACKS, feel their skin, not pat and feel a thick strap! To not have to try not to trip over wires constantly! To not have to "plug them in" and "unplug them" constantly! To not have to always exist near an electrical outlet with 2 available plugs! For my babies rashes to heal! The end of any preemie evidence! A huge milestone :)

Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty! They are free at last!!!! :)

Caught in a Moment

Well, our baby girls are FOUR MONTHS OLD!!! I had a moment last night. Well, actually I guess the seed was planted the day before, when I laid out all my preemie clothing to take pictures of to sell on ebay. As I unfolded it all and looked at how tiny (and cute) it is, I got extremely sentimental! Among the clothing was the two fleecy striped monkey jammies that I had hanging on my closet in the hospital for inspiration. I would look at those little outfits to keep my eye on the ultimate goal: bring home two healthy thriving baby girls. I never knew for sure that I would, I knew there was a decent percent chance I could not, but I always had hope and faith led me to believe I would. When the babies were born at 3 pounds they were way too tiny for even preemie clothing, and they were kept in just their diapers in their incubators anyway. Too many cords etc...to mess with clothing. Just 3 weeks later when we brought them home, the preemie outfits were STILL too big, but wearable. It seems like in the blink of an eye, the girls were in those monkey outfits that finally fit, then all of a sudden they grew too big for them and I had to fold them up and put them away along with all the other teensy cute little stuff.

When you go into a store and see preemie clothing hanging there you always think it is sooo cute and so tiny that no human could possibly fit into something so small. Although it was a bit of a rocky road, I feel kind of lucky that I got to buy the smallest clothing available and put not one, but TWO baby girls in it! It is like what every little girls dreams about when they are playing baby dolls as kids. Plus, we got 2 extra months with our little bundles :) The extra 2 months of waking up all night I could leave, but every other moment I feel grateful to have more of!

 So as I folded the preemie clothing all up, I realized, "Wow. That chapter is OVER! For so long there was so much anticipation and nerves as we awaited them unknowing when or how or if's. They are just regular sized babies now! I mean, they are 4 months and are still in some newborn clothing but they have chubby cheeks, chubby thighs, little pot bellies, and you would never know they started out with legs the size of my fingers! Also bittersweet, is the fact that in folding up and putting away a size set of clothing and getting rid of it means that this is the last time in my life I will do that! The pregnancy and childbearing stage of my life is behind me forever and although of course there are some things I won't ever miss about being pregnant (projectile vomiting, heartburn, that general have been hit by a mack truck feeling and tiredness and body pains anyone?),  there are definitely a lot of things I feel blessed to have experienced and will miss about pregnancy - that first positive test and the excitement, watching a belly grow, coming up with names, and most of all feeling those kicks of life inside of me. Even the birthing/labor experience is something I enjoyed experiencing. Life's greatest moments. LIVING. Living the dream! Putting these little outfits in a box means my last babies are growing up! Those moments will be traded for other sweet ones,ones that I am sooo excited for, but not the same.  But it also hit me like all of a sudden they are just reglular sized, healthy, normal babies and I don't have to worry as much at all anymore! Yay!

So back to last night and my aha moment. I had just gotten one of the most exciting packages in the mail ever yesterday afternoon...my order of matching twin girl 0-3 month clothing from Gymboree - including two tiny flowered dresses with matching cardigans, tiny rufflebutt tights, and shoes among other things. I had it all laid out on my bed, and looking at it for some reason, it hit me like a ton of bricks! "I HAVE TWIN BABY GIRLS!!!! THEY ARE HERE!!! THEY ARE MINE FOREVER! They are ok and healthy and out of NICU and not in preemie clothing and will be coming off their monitors soon, are off of their caffeine, and THEY ARE CHUBBY!! We did this! We are doing this! All quite successfully and even with lots of smiles!" Woah. James and I say to each other randomly all the time, "Hey. We have twins. TWINS!" It is just so unbelievable and I think in my moment last night I realized how "big" our situation was, how wrong it could have went, how AMAZINGLY perfect it went for our situation, and how strong we were through it! When I look at pictures of these little miracles back from their NICU days (which was only over 2 months ago but feels like another lifetime), skinny and hooked up to this and that, they look like different babies. Their faces don't even look the same! They were so much more frail than I ever let myself believe and I thank God daily for modern technology and medicine, and my hospital stay that saved them! I feel almost like that was someone else who was in the hospital, who went into the NICU, not me!

It is a sweet, sweet life, this one I live :)

"How Do You Do It?"...and Other Questions We Always Get

People ask allll the time, "How do you do it? I would go crazy if I were you!" Or when they hear we have twin newborns and a 2 and 5 year old - all girls - James and I always get head shakes and disbelief, even looks of pity! But, for us, each of our girls is nothing short of a miracle, a gift, and a blessing. YES! It is hard. It is nonstop. But not nearly as "hard" as what so many people in this world go through! If this is "our hard", thank you Jesus! Yes it is exhausting, but this is just for a season. The up in the middle of the night stage isn't forever, and when it passes, I am confident we will also miss so many things about this short lived stage.

So, how do we do it? What is life with twins and 4 under 5 like? James and I make a great team - I am so thankful God gave me this man for my husband, partner, and father to my kids. He has been so kind as to make the couch his bed. He always takes the first shift, the first middle of the night feed, out in the living room with the babies sleeping in their swings. Then he brings them back to me and I take the next feed or two back in the bedroom with the babies asleep in their glider. On nights when he is off the next day, he lets me sleep until 5, and then I come out to the couch and let him sleep until 10 in the morning. It works great for us! Also, COFFEE!!!!!!! Coffee makes my day! We are just in our routine, we've figured out what works for us, and we get er' done so to say!

Also, having my mom who helps me once or twice a week is also a Godsend. We went on our first date in months this past weekend. We wouldn't expect anyone to handle watching all 4 kids, so James' mom and her husband watched the big girls, while my parents took the babies. We also take turns taking the big girls on "dates" to get them out of the house and give them a chance at being alone with us. When James gets home at night, he holds the babies while I clean up dinner and give the big girls their bath, which also gives me one on one time with them away from the babies. My babies are good nappers during the day which allows for pumping (I am a slave to my breastpump), household duties (which are never caught up - but it isn't about that right? It is about getting through the day and caring for my children ), eating, etc...

I can't leave out my big girls Abby and Emma. First of all they are very good most of the time for me - loud, but good - and do so well at playing together and keeping themselves busy and entertained. They are so creative and funny! Such little joys to me! I am thankful they have each other. Emma is the worlds best big sister! She is so incredibly helpful to me, and at her own will. Occasionally I ask her for help with something and she is happy to oblige, but a lot of the time she just wants to be a little mommy and she is in love with her baby sisters - and they love her too! She can get them to sleep, and she loves making them "cozy spots" on the couch. When I am in a situation where both are crying and I need to make bottles or something of that sort, she is eager to keep them calm and happy, holding whoever needs held, talking and singing to them, and making them smile. Seeing them smile at her is so incredible! She really does help me get through my days!

Speaking of my older girls, that is what is the hardest truly...feeling like they do not get enough attention from me. Actually, feeling like NOBODY gets enough of me. I feel like I am missing out on each of my children in some way because I am spread so thin. If they weren't all so little, I think it would be easier. I do my best to make them all smile and that is where multitasking comes in again. Even if it is simple things, like while I am washing bottles (which it seems like I am constantly doing) I will let the girls fill up the side of the sink we don't use and let them put their feet in and they love it. Or if I am in the middle of cooking I will play "hide the star" with Emma and while she is searching it gives me time to cook, but she thinks we are just playing. Getting Emma involved and taking advantage of the fact that she always wants to "do whatever you are doing mom!" is also pivotal in my day! Teaching her how to chop vegetables and make eggs, cooking desserts and preparing snacks together is fun for her, allows her one on one time with me, while letting me accomplish something as well. I can manage to hold the 3 little ones all together, but any chance I get I am snuggling and holding my Abigail - she is my big affectionate one who always wants me to hold her. I just wish that I had more time to give to them, to teach them more academic and biblical things. I also wish I had more time to just sit and hold my babies. I am always trying to get them to sleep so I can put them down and get the things done I need to - like making meals for the older girls and myself, pumping, washing bottles and my pump, making dinner, folding wash etc... I rarely get a chance to just hold and enjoy my babies. When I do, even then I am not giving just one attention, it is divided between the two. This hands down is the hardest part of having four wee ones and newborn twins. Also pumping, it is so time consuming, feels so uncomfortable, and inconvenient. But so important to me for the health and immunity of the babies. Now only if all this time I put in pumping would yield this great weight loss it is supposed to...cause, it's definitely not!! Good old fashioned eat right and exercise. And exercise is something also important in keeping our sanity these days. We have always been fit and active people, and James and I try to take turns every other day allowing the other person to go for a run or I do an aerobics video. It feels so good to get out of the house, breathe in fresh air, have solitude, listen to music, and work up a sweat. It is refreshing, and I feel imperative. It puts us in a better mood so we are kinder to each other - which, let's be honest, we aren't always amidst our stresses.

Having the right mindset is the MOST important thing besides prayer. I guess it kind of is a constant prayer, a constant gratitude and awareness. Remembering how these babies were such high risk with unsettling odds and had as good a chance of not making it as they did surviving - and they did - gives a huge sense of gratitude. Remembering how blessed we are to have children when some cannot, remembering what is truly important in a day, splitting duties and knowing we are each giving our all, and just rememebering even if it is challenging at the time, it will be so worth it later. Remembering "this too shall pass" in those tough moments and cherishing even them because there will be a time we will miss this! Remembering the present is a present. Considering all the people in the world who are truly struggling and suffering. Modern day slaves, sexually trafficked women and girls, severely handicapped people, hungry beggars, the abused and neglected and poor. Thinking, even at 2am when I'd rather be sleeping, how lucky I am to have these babies, to have a warm bed, a heated house, clean water and nourishing formula along with the ability to give them breastmilk when some people cannot produce it. When my house is a mess and I am slicing my foot on a toy and cursing under my breath, that I am still grateful to be a stay at home mom, in a warm house that I love, in my cozy yoga pants and sweatshirts, with a fridge full of food and 4 beautiful children, a crackling fire, and we are all healthy. It is all in your attitude and we have kept ours happy, fun, and positive for the most part. Of course, like anyone, we have our "moments"! You remember where you were, where you could have been, and be grateful for where you are.

Honestly, I think we rock this :)